to cheer up the stockpickrs

Our Courts
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
> things
> people actually said in court, word for word, taken
> down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying
> calm while these exchanges were actually taking place .
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ___________________________________________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact ?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok's .
> __________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all ?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory ?
> WITNESS: I forget .
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> ____________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy? "
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you ?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> _____________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do .
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo .
> _____________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> he
> doesn't know about it until the next morning ?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam ?
> ___________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he ?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>
> _______________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken ?
> WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
> _______________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time ?
> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid !
> ______________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right ?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
> attorney. Can I get a new attorney ?
> _____________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated ?
> WITNESS: By death .
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated ?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it ?
> _____________________________________ _
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual ?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard .
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female ?
> WITNESS: Guess.
> _____________________________________ _
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney ?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work .
> _____________________________________ _
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on Dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
> rephrase that?
> _____________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
>
>
> _____________________________________ _
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30p.m .
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time ?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> autopsy on him!
> ___________________________________________ _
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample ?
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question ?
> _____________________________________ _
> And the best for last :
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing ?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began
> the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor ?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar .
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> law